I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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