I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
