I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
