i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
