In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
