Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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