She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
