Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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