Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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