I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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