It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
