First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
