i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
