there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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