Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
