A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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