I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
