I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
