im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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