I want to stick my p in your. b.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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