I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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