I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
