I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
