We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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