I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
