where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
