It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
