Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
