I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i will never coherently bang her
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I am one with the molecules
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
