we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
