there's paper in my vomit.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
