I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
