i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
