I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just found a bag of teeth...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
