I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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