No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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