He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
