I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
