Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
