i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
