i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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