I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
