It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
