so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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