I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
