someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
