Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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