There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
