DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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