you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
