so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
